Benjamin's Journal
(Latest 20 entries) (Calendar) (Friends) (User info)
Friday, December 20, 2002
MAKE THE MUSIC STOP !!! says:
A swirl of hate infested words
Whip about me as if in a storm
Yet I barely feel their sting
As they roughly tear at my exposed flesh
Instead I'm drawn to a small figure
Huddled and shivering by a bed
Knees drawn up to a childish chest
Arms wrapped so tightly 'round them
As if that were the only thing grounded
In this awful reality
Long dark hair hung curtain-like before
A child-like face.
MAKE THE MUSIC STOP !!! says:
Yet the only thing I see are ...those eyes
They hold me. And all I can do is stare
So sad yet so full of anger
So scared yet courage still burns there
So torn yet so filled with pain
And suddenly the storm stops
Everything but the two of us fades.
Yet all I can do is stand transfixed
Captured by the overwhelming power of
Those hurt-filled eyes.
Then darkness consumes me
MAKE THE MUSIC STOP !!! says:
I wake shaking and covered in sweat
Laying in my bed staring up into nothing
" Those eyes where mine..."
Monday, December 16, 2002
i like the scars
as they peel themselves
they leave behind a constant stain
which is easy enough to cover
but is it every going to clear up
or will the clouds of uncertainty stay in my view
i only think about my bleeding
and the rituals that proceed
and the rights that must bleed
for the lack of oxegyn my mouth is shut
i refuse service to my mind
i disturb the public with my tongue
with whatever escapes this voice
brings a new challenge of sorts
as my wisdom twists and contorts
people into a lacking race
that is my point, that is my case
we are too easily whored
to a society quickly bored
by the conventional touch
we want everything instant and such
nothing easier than the microwave
or the news channels blistering
with the newest pain festering
into a world problem
but that is okay
we can feed everyone, but we kill our own
but as long as we keep on smiling
the tv will keep on profiling
us under the saviors of a new age
as we lose interest, we flip to the next page
only to find the future already scripted
for convenience of the masses
as time slips and kindness passes
away like the touch of a friend...
you better not sleep with me tonight
i might not hold you as tight
as i wish i could
or thought i would
since we left one other
i feel as if i am just a bother
ever since we parted
this fever has started
when i was bleeding
your pride kept on feeding
me the virus to keep me ill
to lose touch, to lose my will
to keep the anger supressed
and my heart fully dressed
untouched your vain
this child's on a train
to the middle of the field
where i was once killed
by the curiosity of maturity
and the sobriety of principle...
you only think about yourself
and you touch me as always
with a sour after taste
which you now leave behind
a memory to remind
a constant provider
about the frailty inside her
this girl you betrayed
a stage to be played
a mask to be worn
innocence to be torn
i am through with this silly game
of who is who and who is to blame
i am through with this match
of apathetic outburst
wish you'd listen to how much it hurts this boy
who only smiles for you
Jayme says:
suddenly i feel less than made
and made less than whole
a hole that you created
and created you a regret
my first
my only
nonetheless
without you, i am missing
missing you and i
Jayme says:
whatcha think?
benjamin says:
... i really am into the whole flow, and how you positioned the rhythm, i was following the words as well as the meaning of the writing
Jayme says:
so you like?
benjamin says:
"...and made less than whole
a hole that you created..."
benjamin says:
stumbling over words right now...
benjamin says:
really put my mind in a blender... i was like "ooh how nice, that is WHAT THE HECK!"
Jayme says:
see.. the first line
"suddenly i feel less than made
and made less.."
was my key... i am sure there area zillion poems one could come up with starting that line
benjamin says:
"less than whole" - means you are missing an important part.
"a hole"- what is left from the absence of the desired emotion.
Jayme says:
yes!
Jayme says:
exactly
benjamin says:
but you did...
benjamin says:
i got it all figured out
benjamin says:
you took my mind for a massive ride
Jayme says:
well yey! if you like it then it must be good
benjamin says:
in just a few concise words... i went through life in a blink
Jayme says:
i have to remind myself i always dislike my best poems...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
sometimes i wonder if i ever make an impact in peoples lives. At times it feels as if the flow of influence backwashes, and i am covered in my own ignorance... not wanting to be used by others for fear of retaining the knowledge that drips from my lips so willingly... my words are flawed by the ink of my pen, regrets swallow my voice buried deep within.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jayme is one of the deariest friends that i can say i truly know and love, as well as Richard. Thos two have meant more to me in the past 6 years than most could fathom. Thank you two. I am sorry i am at a loss of fancy words to write a tribute to you both, and that my pockets lay empty to the reality of a lacking money fund... i would buy you both a beach house in the Pacific... and i would give you two what money could never give... my unconditional friendship.
~Ben
Saturday, December 7, 2002
how many special people let you down
walking on glass with broken feet
do they say it when you're around,
do they say "I love you" so sweet?
sometimes i feel so empty
so neglected by the hugs
seems to convenient to be nice
seems hatred loves to shrug
off the mediocrity that
forms itself into love
but who am i to complain
am i the greater power above?
::
this sucked today... oh may gash, i need help... i think i might just take writing classes, until then... i will bury my pens and burn my paper... until i learn how to write... there is no need for this jibberish.
Tuesday, December 3, 2002
Does love really last
Always and forever?
You said it does
But, we're not together...
Did I say something wrong,
What did I do?
You told me I was perfect
But, I'm not with you...
I have someone else, now
Who treats me like gold.
So, it's in with the new
And out with the old.
So, I'm saying 'goodbye'
Now and forever.
But, one last time
I wish we were together...
I'm letting you go
Maybe I'll see you around.
But, as for now
She's picking me up off the ground...
She makes me so happy
Just being by my side.
And now the only tears...
Fall on the inside.
Here is the pleasant part
We suddenly fell apart
Why can’t we burn your bridges
Since you never seem to ever look back
And you scream at me with your lies
I am not a child anymore
Can we find the way out
And can I show you the door…
Listen here is how I feel
Shut your mouth!
Hold your tongue!
Watch your mouth!
some things are better left unsung!
Burn your words
As they sear my heart
I never knew I would empty myself
Into someone so close
And than be ripped away
Like the moon at sunrise…
Or like the stars past twilight
If I told you that you were killing me
Would you stop what you are doing?
I wish I could turn my back on reality
And play a secret game with myself
By closing my mind and eyes
To the sobriety of the situation…
I should probably stay here
But I won’t let myself drag along
The sheets with you wrapped around me
Because I’ll never make it past the memories
Of what we had and what could have lasted
You said you wouldn’t
I said I couldn’t
And you stole me away without any plans
I think about the times we had together
Are we dreaming? Are we fading?
Everything we told one another is gone…
I’ll cherish our memories…
I’ll want to hold you one more time
Before you leave for the last time…
Don’t go!
Don’t go!
you're beautiful when you are sleeping
so close your eyes...
it will always be me and you...
please remove this film from my eyes
i can't handle the loss of sight
because i need to see your eyes
before i lay my head down each night
the way we say "i love you"
is such a breath taking result
when i realize how much i do.
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
have you ever wondered
and pondered why we have wandered
along this long and lonesome road
with this burden so painfully bestowed
upon our shoulders
like atlas, i shrugged but to no avail
i collapse under this weight and i shatter this shell
i escape this hell i live in
i am cleansed of those "remember when",
"how it used to be", and "what about last year"
those memories are but a distant fear
creeping, sweeping- all the while i am sleeping
under the assurance
of your steady occurance
in and out of my life...
~Benjamin Botts
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
Sunlight, golden yellow
Splashed onto my brain
Scarlet passion, screaming
Driving me insane
Pureness, White as snowflakes
Fall innocent and free
As happiness, a rainbow of laughter
Slowly captures me
Violet and rose coloured petals
dipped in burgundy wine
The flawless blue sky of such freedom
Of knowing that you are all mine!
~Benjamin Botts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you Jesus... for anything and everything you are to me. May i never cease to find your beauty in each and every passing moment in this life you so graciously gave to me. Providing me with the necessary functions to enjoy the limitless wonders and secrets wrapped up in this world. I am nothing in the grand scope of this universe, but that is what makes you so great... even though i appears as a faint shade in this cosmic splash of colours, you still chose to shed YOUR blood over all of me, over all my iniquities, and never thinking twice of your love for me.
~Thank You,
Benjamin
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
Within a lonely heart there dwells
a soul of untold dreams
Within a heart of love there dwells
a dreamer, so it seems
So what, per chance, resides
among the dreams left there to die?
A heart long since forgotten
in the wake of days gone by
And what, pray tell, lives in a heart
that never dreams at all?
A bitter, lonely soul it seems
that hides behind a wall
And as the wall stands firm
and lets no other heart come near
It feels not love and laughter
from the ones it should hold dear
In time the wall will crumble
giving way to love's pure light
Then once again the heart will dream
and fly to greater heights...
sadly though, like icarus
i flew to high and was caught
by the envious sun; my attempts to love
were all but for naught.
~Ben Botts
Monday, November 18, 2002
I’m crashing down
I’m falling to the earth below
Will this cross I bare,
These scars ever show?
Will I ever find
My peace of mind?
Running in circles
For your pathetic games
Trying to be myself and
Trying to remember your “friends” names
This game is getting out of control
I’m sick and tired of the latest popularity poll
This trivial subject
Of being accepted
Violently subjected
To being rejected-
By the “in” crowd
For crying out loud
Let me pull out the microphone
Standing on this stage all alone
I’m going to blast it to the last of the “sheep”
I’m going to struggle to dig deep
I’m going to handle it like a furious storm
I’m going to come with this in every form
The geek-
Einstein, misunderstood?
The Hard core thug-
Just a brother from the “hood”?
The jock-
All out testosterone maniac?
The outcast-
Walking on the wrong side of whose track?
The class clown-
Sure… crazy half-wit
The over-achiever-
Just doesn’t know when to quit.
I could go on and on
But the truth remains
That learning about each other
Brings on a whole new world of pains
The strain of letting go
Of your preconceived notions
Of who everyone is
And just rolling with the emotions
Sympathy?
When did this word come into play?
I don’t remember seeing any
Of that when people are picked on
Dropped on
Left alone
Crying by themselves
Leaving their personality on the shelf
Back home, afraid of showing
Their true self
Because everyone hates
Everyone that isn’t like them.
Conform?
Trying to deform
The social circle
Trying to manipulate
Can’t even begin to equate
The heart of another
Can’t even look at them like a common brother
Look up, look down
Pick yourself up off the ground
Can’t believe you were there?
Where the pain stains
The very person you are
Can’t imagine stretching yourself that far-
To another humans heart
Don’t want to be a part
Of someone else’s “conviction”
The friction
The painful addiction
See the bigger picture…
~Ben Botts
Try to see people for who they aren’t, instead of what you think they should be. We aren’t here to make people shape to our specific needs; we are to be friends, to be kind, and to be diligent. Funny, how we tend to change to what people encourage being the commonplace notion of convenient living. Learn to live with others’ differences, learn to live with yourself, and learn to love those around you.
You are all that I need
You are all that I see
Father, love me for all that I am not
Love me for I forgot
The blood that you shed
The innocence bled
The royalty you gave
To take upon me
To hang on a cross
With all of my iniquity
Monday, October 28, 2002
wooh...
today is nothing special
just a rainy, rainy, rainy dream
the kind where everything is
cold and damp, or so it seams
i follow the traces of
the simple butterfly
as it hides its wings
afraid to break away and fly...
the winds are non-existent
the clouds are molesting my view
the rain keeps falling, falling
and my world falls through
such and such
nothing special, nothing
the sun returns
the clouds only wanted a fling
i feel as if
i can truly relate
sometimes i rush in
and i find out to late
that i wast.........
Geez my rhyming is slipping, this is horrible stuff. Hit me up with a post, later guys.
Monday, October 21, 2002
times when i feel my weakest
the Lord calls me strong
why do i feel empty
when the Lord says to sing a song
i hate this echo
this annoying voice in my mind
this nagging breath
peace i try to find
rest comes so slow
these waters like a tsunami
my eyes are broken
my view, an eternity
flip the dime over
find my two cents
hiding in the crevices
where i lost my common sense
it's the principle
that we all should fit
In the All~American box
why not, take another hit
staring into the eyes
of a child less forgot
always the center
but the heart has rot...
why do i just ramble
with no point to this issue
my own self keeping
a safe distance from me and you
feeling claustraphobic
even when you are gone
why must i turn to you
why am i drawn?
to this place
to this memory
leave me behind
you and me
i can't bare
my flesh anymore
the last time
left me bleeding asking for more
i need peace
where am i?
where are you?
so much time
but so little to do...
why can't you be
a little softer to me
why can't your hands
be a little gentler to me...
stop beating me with rhetoric
stop gnashing me with your authority
my head is in a quake so sesmic
start loving me for ME!
being sincere
being here
both different
both involve fear
i wish to be serious
but your voice makes me delirious
and i drive myself away
you are driving me away
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
why do i just ramble
with no point to this issue
my own self keeping
a safe distance from me and you......
Thursday, September 26, 2002
::Einstien's Can of Worms::
Truth is not distinct
it will roll and boil and
churn with contradictions
that will flow and bend and
turn to muddy waters, where
gravity will make it
space and time
will make it history.
(try and figure my latest poem... not extremely hard, pretty simple if you think about. Just apply common sense... you do know how to have common sense don't you? all you have to do is put your lips together and blow...... wait that sounds wrong)
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
God? God who?
Popularity, Money, me, you… that to
My point exactly
This endless philosophy-101
take the pen turn it into a gun
rata-tat-tat-tat
how do you like that?
My ink flows like the sky
You read my message and
your heart cries who, when, where, and why?!?
Feeling nothing but endless hate
You feel so small, and the world so great
Reach to the heaven’s
Not for the bottle at the local 7/11’s
Empty just like the words
You huddle with the massacred herds.
Finding peace in sex and drugs
Hiding our skeletons in the closets under the rugs
Who is to second guess me?!?
Better take your words and use them liberally
Don’t speak to loud
For fear of amassing a crowd
You have the message we all need
But are to weak to lend a hand and feed
The enraged, the depraved
The minds so small, so concaved, enslaved, ill-behaved
Nothing to show them the reality
So you consume irresponsibility
And leave them in complete abandonment
Resent, consent, defendant
Of what you call a worthy cause
As you shatter those glass jaws
You see the fear they portray
You know exactly what not to say
You sooth their aching sores
All the while slamming the doors
To a whole new world of possibility
Only for your own simplicity
Of handling them like so many puppets
Your conscience amounts in counterfeits
Like a square peg you lose your leg
To save your arm from any harm
Using the lies you processed
Knowing how to be dressed
Your independence confessed
Your determination professed
Your ignorance need not be stressed…
It is clear from here that you have lost
All consciousness of the cross.
Long before you opened your mouth,
Your morals bought a one way ticket to the south.
Don’t preach God… God who?
Popularity, Money, me, you… that to
My point exactly
This endless philosophy… 101
Reloading the gun
Like a ring this message has no end
Only when you decide to bow and bend
Your will to the ultimate thrill
Of the blood drained on that hill
Eternally sealed
Prophecy fulfilled
His blood creasing
Limitless mercy never ceasing
Amazing-Shining-This God thing
Plagiarism? I use pure wisdom
Don’t rebuke this child
With a pen I grow wickedly wild
I come from the school of lyrical success
I must confess
I love individuality
Personality, spirituality, co formality…
co formality? You must be crazy
Universal school of rhyme
My words are on God’s time
Instituting my lyrics
Capture me,
Rapture me
Take me away
Like Gwyneth Paltrow
in a Shakesperean play
My methods are like a smooth libretto…
Hell bound in a basket
Sucking on your thumb Tisket-a-tasket
Winding up in a casket
A pure reactionary
My word is non-contrary
Pure philosophy of my own studied theology
Coming from the mouth of God
This disciple’s message is shod
In preparation of the gospel
Put on the armor “cha~ching”
It must be a Christian thing
I get this feeling
That makes me fall through
To the depths of you
Where I am lent the wisdom to bring you up
Taking your hand and filling your cup
To the naked, untrained eye
Can’t see time fly by
Living life on a broke down carousel
Spinning around in a modern day fairy tale
Can’t you see your ways lead to Hell?
Current mood:  accomplished Current music: G.R.I.T.S.
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
Handling things
that weren't meant to be tampered
we fell to the corruption
of a man's sinful soul.
Enraged with lust, it's a must
engulfed by passion. stating the obvious fashion.
We had fallen,
everything is clearly dying
cotton candy dreams
and pitied screams.
Anything and all we possess
dies within the host
leaving the remains
of a shaded ghost.
Pride a man's deceit
Forgiveness, a fools' feat.
Get up
Get up
Get up
And leave your past today
Throw up
Throw up
Throw up
the sickness of yesterday.
You are echoing your own
self worth
and it's shallow
compared to, the depths of your eyes,
the person i see-
is the person you despise
you hide the truth
within the bowels of your mind
wishing to drink
trying hard not to think
and the check you can't find...
i covered your losses
and you still tossed me away.
why do you resist, please desist,
and curse the words i say?
Siamese dreams
desires untold
your want is my need
as your fears unfold.
Exhaustion,
confusion,
you STEP out of yourself
afraid of the light,
and the fresh air consuming your every step
this new realm holds possibilities-
indescribable, unimaginable.
You look back, all the while
shivering for the warmth of your old shell...
but the truth keeps you from collapsing.
You stand firm, watching the fetal memories
die within the midterm.
Dissected,
Erected,
the cross of this carpenter
beaten and bloodied
battered and bruised
His crown was worn, an agony of thorns
misappropriated, misused.
His flesh was torn-
with each passing moment
as the whip ripped, stripped
and scattered His body
the one we called "King"
a jews' child, the real thing,
grown into a prophet
why didn't He whisper...... "stop it"?
A soothsayer of sorts
we deny His deity
"our" scripture distorts, contorts.
He has become a pastime
for our own delight
everyone is passive
every wrong is right
we have loosened the yolk-
expecting relief,
tightening our hearts
consumed with grief.
His love,
loved us all;
His death,
destroyed the wall.
no more sacrifices-
only of ourselves,
are we now content, is our will bent...
to put Him on our shelves?
Dusty and unbroken
His scripture never read
we are too weak to be outspoken-
we know the end result
we know the final chapter
we await the trumpet
and our prepurchased rapture,
away from the pain,
the agony, and death
we are greeted with life everlasting
a renewed hope, a fresh breath-
standing firm behind the pews
we recite doctrine ingrained
on the streets in the open
our voices strained.
Funny, funny people; chasing a steeple
we are peculiar no doubt
but nothing will do it
no one is willing to stand up, standout!-
ashamed of who we are?
ashamed of our blood bought names?
content with empty laughter
and repetitive games.
Divine Father, we'd rather not bother...
shower us with your justice
bring these dead men's bones
up from our mortal sarcophagus
dry earth cracking, slacking thirsty with drought
empty minds drowning in doubt.
WE USE the name, WE KEEP Him on the cross
WE WEAR the clothes, WE MAKE song of "our loss"...
content with convention
forget our good intentions
we'd rather play "Christian"
than have an intimate relationship
Quick wit, first to quit, we learn to grip "Abandon ship!"
the common notions,
and the communal motions...
Who is WWJD?
just say the words i long to hear
the God you preach,
and the Lord i fear...
Amen,
Ben
Saturday, September 14, 2002
no is reading this, so i guess i can truly spill the beans on my anguish. I just found out yesterday evening that my good friend Brad Hatfield was having minor spasms' and increasingly noticeable numbness in his hands and feet, and now today, in his face... left side. I am worried God, why would you do this to someone i care for, and love as brother... what is it you are trying to prove.... aah screw it, another day... thank you lord for the mercy you've showed upon this weak and miserable sinner. I love you, and your faith is new with each passing day...
Amen your child,
Ben
walking through the open streets, noone in sight
tracing my footsteps to the creasing of the moonlight
feeling the chill of the cruel backlit wind
i forget where you begin and where i end
you talk to me in a voice of conviction
i feel your every word just like prediction
you want me just the same, as do i
i never took the time to make notice, or even try
missing the memories that never were
and missing the hugs that made me sure
of things i never made known
and the kisses that left me warm when i was all alone.
~Benjamin Botts(1983- )
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
philosophy101's journal